Ever just had a bad day and want to wash it all away?! I feel like riding off into the sunset never to be found again. I tried to find some reprieve from my anger and frustration corroding every. ounce. of. my. body. To only find myself calming down, and then hopping back on the emotional roller coaster. My blood boils, and I feel my neck tense up, and I'm gritting my teeth, and I know I have got to be giving a pretty mean death stare to anyone who crosses my path. It doesn't take much more for me to maneuver over into that angry, bitter, mean person I would see in my mother as a child and SWORE UP AND DOWN that I WOULD NEVER! EVER! behave that way.
Self-awareness rears its head and my brokenness is painfully obvious and I know I said I would never--
*Kids come giggling up the stairs...*
what-uh?! did-uh?! you-uh?! just-uh?! do-uh?!
Go clean it up RIGHT NOW! *I slam the door!* {damn it, I told God, I wouldn't do that anymore}. Fight off tears...
*Ring-Ring-Ring*
Oh, it's--HIM. The husband, calling to apologize, he has to stay later, than the later he already told me he was going to stay for. Ugh! For real?! You did hear me when I told you I'm having the WORST day!
*Swear words are flying rampantly through my mind, just begging for my lips to utter them.*
Mother beeping, bleepity, bleep! Son-of-a-snickerdoodle! ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
internal dialoge:: YOU ARE SO UGLY WHEN YOU GET LIKE THIS! Who cares what made you mad, who cares what they did to you, who cares, who cares, who cares! You are a grown flippin' woman! Behave like one. Think like one. React like one!
Fight off tears...
Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:4-5
Renew your mind. Romans 12:2
Choose to willfully set your mind. Your emotions will follow. {and just take a damn breath!}
There you go--a chuckle. That's more like it. Blood is only simmering...nope, nope, don't let your mind go there...
Now forgive yourself. {yes, you heard me}.
Now, it's okay to cry.
And don't forget to apologize to your kids for taking your days frustrations out on them. They've already forgiven you, but they deserve an apology. And I know your husband made you mad, but you should probably apologize to him too. He won't let it happen like that again.
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It's days like this that cause me to cringe at how angry I allow myself to get sometimes. It's days like this I feel bad for how critical I was of the adults in my life that may have spoken to me harshly, or seemed annoyed by my very presence. I don't know, maybe you can't relate. Maybe you had the most picturesque role model in your life that never got angry in front of you, never cussed in front of you, always guarded themselves to present the very best version of themselves in front of you. Sometimes I envy those of you that were raised that way.
But while, I'll admit, I did not have a typical white picket fence, Leave it to Beaver, home life, I do recognize that my parents, practically still children themselves, did the very best they could.
I've learned that all of the things I said I would do differently, I do, for the most part, and those imperfect parts of my parents, that I just can't seem to dissipate from the core of my DNA are parts of me that are still working out the kinks, me trying my very best. Maybe I'll never get it right and I know that my kids, will be my toughest critics the older they get, and I'll just keep on trying my best, and hope that they will appreciate it when they're just like me, thirty something and having their own tantrum and experiencing their brokenness becoming painfully obvious.
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