Naked and Exposed

Photo Credit: Aubrey Stout

I have been feeling vulnerable lately.

Which is a horrible feeling to have when you are constantly fighting off the tendency to feel loved and accepted by what others think of you.

But that's what I do.

It's something I've learned to do since childhood, which I've written about before. I've spent my whole life feeling different from everyone around me. I don't feel different anymore, {well, maybe sometimes I do} and don't feel as alone as I did as a child, but I somehow still really care how others perceive me. It makes me feel good when you laugh at my joke, or if you like my shoes. As I've gotten older I've realized that I don't need to be accepted by everyone, and I'm learning how God is really how I am supposed to be measuring myself. He always accepts me. And that's really comforting. And feels really safe. Once you feel this way, it's a lot easier not to seek out acceptance and love from the world around you.

The struggle in feeling vulnerable recently has been in my writing. For a long time I wrote a handful of blog posts, and knew that it was there if the world wanted to read it, or accidentally stumbled across my blog URL, but I didn't seek out for others to read my writing or tell others I was even doing it.

I've long realized that I have the gift of praying. Praying out loud, sure, but more so when I write. Something comes over me, and after I've prayed for someone and took the time to type it out, I see the words dripping with the Holy Spirit.  I close my eyes and let Him do the talking. I go back and edit it, and correct any misspellings and clarify areas where maybe my hands couldn't keep up with His thoughts. But in the end, it's all Him. I sometimes wonder what the person will think of my prayer, especially if they didn't ask for me to pray for them, but I always take comfort in knowing that I let God do the directing.

When I sent my update letter about my mission trip, people kept telling me what a great writer I was, and that they were moved by what I had shared about my experience. I'd be lying if I didn't want people to be moved by what I wrote about my trip, but I didn't really consider why they would be moved. I didn't equate my ability to write with my ability to elicit a emotional response from my readers.  I overlooked the fact that how I wrote about my experiences would greatly effect how they would engage with my story. People were replying to my email conveying how it made them feel, and I wasn't prepared for it. I felt vulnerable. I would re-read my letter through the eyes of the person who just replied to me, saying, "Wow, you're a great writer," Or "I felt like I was in South Africa with you," etc. And I'd think, "What's so great about that?" I never figured it out!

Through that process I found that God is using/can use my writing somehow, if I'll just continue to let Him do the directing. Every time I hit publish on a blog post I feel vulnerable all over again.  I'm scared that after I've taken the step to share my blog with people, they'll wonder why I did. I can't help but wonder the thoughts they'll have, such as, she sucks! And there's also a fear of success, people actually liking my writing. In both cases, it leaves me feeling a bit naked and exposed. I'm slowly allowing others in, and so far, everyone that I have shared my blog with, have been so encouraging {Did you see I have a follower!!}. I just have to be careful not to allow my self-worth to be measured by what someone thinks of my blog. Feeling vulnerable is how God is growing me; not how others are judging me.

Do you ever feel vulnerable? How do you rise above that feeling? Is feeling vulnerable a tool God uses to grow you? If not, how does He grow you?