Lent [Day 27]

                                                         Photo Credit: Aubrey Stout

[note: this post was written a few weeks ago... today is day 42 and it is holy week. I have a few posts waiting to be published. Life got busy on me and i'm working on getting caught up.]

I'm in a funky season of life and most days it feels like I'm just passing the time aimlessly without purpose or intent. I had a few weeks where I was feeling quite depressed.

Quite frankly, the only thing I have outside of being a mom and a wife, is this Lent experience. And it has fed me in so many ways. But the truth is, it is meeting me right where I am, in this moment of life. In this moment I'm feeling a lot like a lost little sheep trying to find my way back to the herd. As I wrote in my Lent [day 1] post I felt a real calling to participate in Lent this year and God directed my paths in all ways towards Him and I thought that I would go through this experience, sort of on a spiritual high. Soon I would learn that He would be preparing me to lean on Him more in the coming weeks than I have in several months or more.

***

In August I made the switch to lead a community group at my local church campus, instead of co-leading a group I had to drive 20+ miles to get to. The change was scary for my previous group, because it meant the dynamic of the group would be shifting, and I was terrified that in my new group I wouldn't find women to be in community with that I could be as authentic and close with as the one I was leaving.

The group I was saying goodbye to has stood with me as I shared my deepest and darkest hurts. They cheered me on as I made that step of faith and got baptized. And supported me as I crossed the Atlantic to South Africa on a mission trip.

Small group has been one of the hugest impacts on my spiritual growth.

***

Saying goodbye to facebook, twitter, and instagram has undoubtedly been a good move. As I said before, I was looking to social media to fill me up in ways that the living and breathing world has not been able to. I knew that it would be hard not to seek out approval and acceptance from others...if I'm truthful that's what it had become in a lot of ways for me.

***

Five days into Lent my new small group came to a sweeping halt. It fell apart. I no longer belonged in a group. The fear I had going in deciding to start a new group was happening. I told myself that my spiritual growth was going to be stunted. I cried for days. I doubted God and I just couldn't understand why he would do this to me. I was taking a huge leap of faith leaving my other group to start this new one. He knew what small group meant to me. He took social media away from me and now my small group too?! We always want the answer why. The answers weren't coming. I had to accept the facts and keep moving forward. I am group-less and can't fill that void with social media. What I did have was Lent and my daily devotional in the book of John.

***

So here I am, lost little sheep, grateful I have Lent even amidst the suffering, my suffering. My natural tendency is to look to others for acceptance and approval. As a re:new mentor I would share with my care receiver that this is my biggest false belief and one I continually have to lay down to my savior. Right now the laying down to Him doesn't look pretty. And as I wrestle, the why, becomes a bit clearer, still as uncertain and definitely not any more desirable.

***

My reading for today was John 13:36-38. This is when Jesus predicts that Peter will deny Jesus three times.

Vs 37 Peter asked, "Lord, why can't I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you."
Vs 38 Then Jesus answered, "Will you really lay down your life for me? I tell you the truth, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times!"

***

I say to God, use me, I will follow you, take me wherever you'd like me to go. Much like Peter, I think I know how and what I will do, but Jesus really knows how and what I will do. And you know what, Jesus' grace IS scandalous. He knows this about Peter and He knows this about me, I will fall short of His glory, maybe every single time. He will still lay down His life for me. His grace does not fall short. He's calling me, his lost little sheep to come back. It's okay that I'm asking Him why or that I'm unsure where my place is. He's still preparing a place for me. That is so comforting in times of uncertainty.

With each devotional that I'm following [with If:equip] they are accompanied by a video. Here is the link if you'd like to watch today's, or the any of them from the previous days.

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