Under the Magnifying Glass

Photo Credit: Aubrey Stout // Quote: John Mark McMillian

I have kids who are almost 8 and 11, you'd think I would be graduated to Parenting 201 or 301, but sadly I'm failing Parenting 101. Our culture praises good little children who sit quietly, have good manners and never seem to "act up." This mentality has to stop, because I'm telling you, I'm drowning in the expectations others have set for me. I'm not perfect, therefore my parenting is not going to be. Please know I'm trying to teach my kids manners, and responsibility, and that there are times when sitting still is necessary. But right now, I hate the parent that I've become and I really need your help. 

Please stop rolling your eyes at me when you see my son said something disrespectful and I didn't condemn him for it publicly. You didn't see him just yesterday, help a little boy tie up his roller skates without being asked on school Skate Night. Please don't critique my mothering skills when you see something deplorable he did, but that I chose to laugh off, because the truth is, I'm actually cringing inside. Notice, my son is the one in my examples, because honestly my daughter fits cultures standards quite nicely and often gets praised for it. Believe me, she can pitch a fit, she just typically doesn't do it with an audience, whereas my son, would maybe prefer the audience. A clear difference in their personalities, both of them being taught in the same basic manner by my husband and I, and yet both be so incredibly different.

I can already tell you that she's going to grow up thinking she can do no wrong, and he's going to grow up thinking he can do no right. In the HOPE ministry it's referred to as positive and negative flesh. She's going to seek attention that gets her praised by others, and he's going to seek attention that is constantly trying to measure up. So there is no child better than the other, both paths lead them to attention seeking tendencies.

But society is OH SO QUICK to be the judge and critical of the one that doesn't seem to mold nicely into cultures expectations and I'm at that point where it is causing me to be a royal b****! It's extremely difficult once the magnifying glass gets held up to your child's behavior to put it down.

The older my kids get, the more I realize that this parenting stuff is hard, I mean like, I don't know what the hell I'm doing, hard. I get all torn up inside in what the right thing to do is. I grew up in a home where yelling was the primary disciplinarian. And quite honestly, it taught me nothing, other than to avoid that kind of wrath, but now here I am in the trenches of reality and I find that my go-to disciplinarian method is also yelling (and it's often done in private with no audience). Afterwards, when I realize that I was harsh with my tongue, I frequently have to backtrack and apologize for getting so angry. Don't pat me on the back for being able to apologize. It's a valuable lesson to have to humble yourself and apologize for something you messed up--the relationship you fractured, especially when the relationship is with your kids. If you haven't ever apologized to your kids, I challenge you to admit when you're wrong. It will prove to be invaluable as they get older.

Will you do me a favor? Will you extend grace to children who don't fit that mold as nicely as others? Will you also extend grace to their mothers/fathers? I can say UNDOUBTEDLY that they are doing the best they can and they feel your glaring eyes when they didn't measure up to how you think they should have parented. Also, let me just say, I'm guilty of this act as well. We all think, if that were my kid..........

Guess what, it's not your kid. 

I am making the decision to be an encourager and not a deflater. It isn't any fun to be on the judging end of someone's stick. You've lifted your magnifying glass to my parenting and to my child's behavior. It isn't my job to be on the pleasing end of your magnifying glass. It's my job to be on the learning end of my own and the teacher end of my children's. What that looks like to you, isn't always the right choice for my child, or the obvious one. I'm not going to be the perfect parent and it's high time I decide that I don't care if you think I am or not.

With that being said, I am partaking in a pledge of sorts to not yell. I recently came across a blog called The Orange Rhino Challenge and it is by far one of the most helpful I've encountered in tackling this pledge. She gives REAL tips that are already making a difference in my thinking. I'm most afraid that I've already surpassed that danger zone with my kids, where I can't erase all those yelling moments from their memory. They're old enough to probably remember a lot of my frailties, I hope they also remember the apology {fingers crossed}. I know they are pliable and can easily adapt to a change in patterns and to new ways of dealing with each of our own short comings in healthy ways.

I pray that as we all take note of the differences in how we deal with our imperfections that my kids won't be seeking attention from others for the sake of getting someone's attention, but that they learn how to critically think through a problem they're having and be able to change their course on their own, because they've been taught through love and grace and not condemnation. It's a new way of thinking for me too, and I'm sure I'll have to start my pledge over a few times before I gain any distance with yelling, but I have hope that it can be done and that we'll all be a happier family because of it.

So, please take this pledge with me. I'm exiting the danger zone and getting on top of the magnifying glass. I think this will be a new kind of magic for me, one in creating better memories and better critical thinking skills with my kids.