Excessive Sorrow

The last few months I have been on a whirlwind of emotions. I found myself wanting to go into hiding and keep my sorrows lost within me. I found that I was holding on to things that I just could no longer keep my grip on. I was hurt, confused, and just could not understand. I was growing weary (Galatians 6:9) and overwhelmed. As a result, I had put up my wall of protection. God's truth could only trickle in, in areas where I had forgotten to guard.

God was telling me to own my piece of the pie, but that just wasn't making sense to me, because many of my hangups are from things that happened when I was a kid. How did I own a piece of the pie? Then it occurred to me that my piece of the pie isn't so much my ownership of things gone wrong, but of how I choose to respond. I wasn't really choosing to respond at all. It was easier for me to just carry on, if a feeling popped up after a conversation, or gathering, I stuffed it, avoided it, ignored it, and/ or gave it another name. I thought that's how I was guarding my heart. Truth is, my heart was ugly. I had just done a good job of pulling the wool over my own eyes.

Now, I am faced with what to do with the truth that God has revealed to me. I have to own my piece of the pie and I know exactly what He wants me to do. Forgive. Not just think about it, or call it a good idea, but actually forgive. You know the hard part! As I sit here, tears streaming down my face, I know why Andy (my pastor) after his sermons prays for us to have the wisdom and courage to know what to do with what we just heard. I'm not a very courageous person, but I know all things are possible with Him (Philippians 4:13).

2 Corinthians 2:5-8 

^If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient.  Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.

This verse is literally blowing my mind. Because if I stop and really see the person who has caused me grief, they truly are overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I have to pause myself. If this were any other person overwhelmed by excessive sorrow, even if they hurt someone, even on purpose, what would I do? Without hesitation I would forgive and comfort them. I would reaffirm my love for them. Ouch! What if this person was seeking out my forgiveness all these years? As much as I wasn't understanding before, I can't ignore it now. I have to ask myself, do I really want this relationship restored? Honestly, it would be much easier to just give it all another name, then I wouldn't really have to own my piece of the pie. However, nothing would change, my heart would continue to ache and grow ugly and it will only get harder to disguise that. Looks like I'm going to need that courage after all.

The definition of restoration is the process of repairing or renovating, so as to restore it to its original condition. I'm not what sure what our restored relationship will look like. It's been unhealthy for as long as I can remember. I know there was at least one moment that it was in its original condition, its best condition-- the day I was born. That would be glorious wouldn't it? To just kind of white out, delete, erase all of what separates us from restoration.

I do have to consider that maybe my act of forgiveness won't fully be received. That maybe they aren't capable of fully accepting my forgiveness. Or not ready. Things may never change. I still have to be willing to own my piece of the pie and continue to choose how I respond. Restoration of a house, or piece of art is a give and take relationship. Restoring an old staircase, or renewing a damaged Picasso is a win-win. Those are more about the "I". I restore you, I get to enjoy your beauty. There will always be a return. Relationships are more tricky than that. It still involves the "I," but I don't have control of how or what restoration looks like for them, or even if they wanted the restoration to begin with. I may never get a return. But I still get to choose how I respond (in gentleness, keeping watch of myself, and not allowing myself to be tempted. Galatians 6:1-2). I especially need to not grow weary for doing good. God will bless this if I do not give up (Galatians 6:9).

***Note: I'm pretty sure Sunday's sermon (Part 4) was hand tailored for me. I was taking notes like it was going out of style. This post I wrote last week and it has just been sitting in my draft box. I knew that I needed to pull the trigger on this post. At the end when Andy asked you to stand up if reconciliation needed to take place in your life, my heart was pounding as if it was going to explode out of my chest. I knew that God wanted me to STAND UP against growing weary, STAND UP against having an ugly heart, STAND UP against closing the door forever, STAND UP and choose how I respond, STAND UP for forgiveness and STAND UP so you all could cheer me on. I STOOD UP! Keep cheering! I really need it!